R.I.P. Regret

When I was a teenager and even before that, I knew I was a born to see the world. Many of you know how humble my upbringing was, how much my parents struggled emotionally and financially to keep themselves and their children clothed, fed, sane. I spent a lot of my life resenting the fact that I more or less raised my younger siblings as my parents worked 50-60-70 hour work weeks. There I was, a child looking after other children. I use to hear my friends and coworkers talk about what they were doing when they were 10, 11, 12 years old- and while I'm sure I had my moments in the sun, what I remember most is the weight of the responsibility of Jeremy and Abby. The moment my mom and dad conceded to let me go, I was out the door. I was 16 and claimed to be unafraid of the world at large.

I knew everything then.

For the next 10 years my actions would be sporadic, driven entirely by restless dissatisfaction. I was petrified of being boring, of settling, of winding up in a life where all I did from dawn until dusk was work without the slightest sign of atonement.

Discontentment with varying situations fueled a large part of this move to California. I would like to say that I accepted things as they are. I wish I could honestly tell you that I closed the Midwest chapter, that I made my peace with everyone and everything – but part of my heart still burns for outcomes that may never manifest. Part of me may always wish to go back in time, to make different choices, to hurt myself and other people less, to have more compassion and less to say. But what never changes is how grateful I am for every.single.experience and every.single.person that entered my life.

My friend Clint died.

Something shifts inside you when you read the obituary of a friend. The gravity of knowing that someone who laughed with you, wrapped their arms around you, slept next to you, said "I love you," is dead- is unlike any other reality. Suddenly all you can remember is the anger you feel at the loss of their life and the overwhelming sense that perhaps everyone you care about should know that you love them as much as you do. That's my reaction anyway. So this is me making sure that, even though I say it frequently, I say it again.

I love you.

If we have been blessed to have crossed paths, there is a reason. From one another we grew, expanded, we evolved into something more complex than our singular originality. If I have known you in any capacity, you have changed my life. If you've known me, I hope that somewhere within our interaction, I left a positive message or at least a humorous one. As I review the last 10 years of my life a tremendously beautiful slideshow of happiness rolls on the reel of my mind. All of the faces of possibility, the faces of my journey, remind me that while initially this new chapter may be intimidating – I love and have been loved, deeply.



I love you Erin. I love for your softness, for your generosity, for seeing me as no one else ever did. You taught me to have hope, to see my potential, to give the world a chance to surprise me. You and I shared nearly 5 years of the an unparalleled adventure. We saw the world, we raised children, we had homes filled with laughter. We had pets and hard times. We had each other.



I love you Rachie, Ryan and Eric. Rachel, for being boundless with your love. Ryan, for beautifying everything you touch. Eric, for seeing beauty in every face, in every place. Whether the 3 of you believe it or not, I will always maintain that you are the most talented, inspiring, genuine, generous people on the face of the earth. It will always be the four of us, the 4 bears against the world and we will always have art to keep us united, no matter our geographical location.



I love you Johanna with your earth-shattering energy, your intense love that commands the attention of the universe. You pieced together my heart and provided me a tailwind when I was broken and directionless. It is because of you that I can't dance without laughing or go to Home Depot and dream of a suburban contentment.



I love you Joy. You brought poetry, passion, watercolors and metallic's to my life. You redefined everything I understood about compassion and communication, because your perspective is like none other. Your capacity to love and accept people as they are is endless and the rarity of that never ceases to amaze me.



I love you Marie. I love you more than I love air or water. More than cigarettes and Diet Coke. You changed everything. You healed broken hearts. You united friendships and love affairs. You brought everyone together in a celebration of life. Because of you, I truly understand unconditional love. Because of you, my father smiles brighter than the sun. Because of you I know that my family is capable of overcoming and accomplishing anything we unite ourselves in. Because of you, I believe in a kind and beautiful Creator. You are the epitome of perfection.



I love you Abby and Andrew. I love the strength and resilience of your dedication to one another. I love your drive to pursue the American dream. I love you little sister for what you have overcome, for your dedication and ambition. You can do anything Daffodil.



I love you Mom. I love you for taking us to the library as children. I love you for tending to gardens with the most gentle touch and observant eye. I love you because you held our family together when we were crumbling. I know you don't know it, but you are the strongest woman in the world.



I love you Dad for teaching me to be proud of working hard. You taught me not to take short-cuts, to never compromise my integrity, to believe that doing the right thing would reap its own reward.

I love you Jeremy for possessing the strength of our father and the gentleness of our mother. I love that you can't hide your sensitivities, your softness. You are the most upstanding man I've ever known. When I look at you I believe that patience and love can save the world because it is through those attributes that you have touched everyone within reach.



I love you Grammy for teaching me to be strong. I love you for your perseverance. Every lesson I've ever taken away from you hasn't been relevant until recently, but now, more than ever I know that a woman can see the world, fight the disadvantages, survive the struggle and find her own piece of happiness. Because of you, I know it's all within.



I love you Beth and your daughter, Sarah. I love you for precision, for your unwillingness to give up in the darkest hour. I love you for sheltering your beautiful children from the storms of reality, but letting them look out the window to know what to expect. I love you for believing in purpose and for fulfilling your dreams from the ground, up.



I love you Sara Steele for being both a mother and a friend to me. I love you for cradling my broken heart when Ryan left to see the world. I love you for believing in happiness, for making cooking an art form, for calling Nick and Ryan "my boys." Thank you for sharing, repairing and preparing my heart for this new chapter.



Lastly, I love you Clint. I loved you for your animated character, for your silliness, for your stories. I loved you for your lack of inhibition. I'm only sorry now that you died without resolve. They tell me that at your funeral innumerable people shared their affectionate memories of you. I would've done the same but would've also said this:

The truth.

Clint died of his own hand. He'd been dying for years. Much like the rest of us he was pacifying loneliness, a broken heart and a lack of direction with any earthly substance to help him forget. I don't blame him, as I hope no one does. Virginia Woolf knew that an innocent had to die in order for the rest of us to appreciate living and that's how I think of Clint now. We forget to live until someone we love dies. We get caught up in our mistakes, we obsess over past, present and future decisions. We numb out when we should be feeling the most. We deny ourselves true happiness because we are afraid of what our desires will reveal. We're afraid of the struggle. We're afraid of failure, of letting go of the comfort of our misery. And then suddenly, it's too late to undo all of the damage done because you're taking your last breath while begging for just one more.

There's no bringing my friend back. There's no changing the paths any one of the people above will take. There's not enough words in existence to covey how much I love each and every one of you. But remind yourselves as I remind myself, the only breath you have is the one you just took. Make it count.

"There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today."

I love you.